So since I wrote about last year’s cavalcade of joy, things have changed a little for me in that I’m living in Japan now. Which means that I’ve met a bunch of people who aren’t from “the old continent”, who might read this, and who, AMAZINGLY, have no idea what the Eurovision Song Contest is. Therefore, here is a short primer:
Thousands of years ago in the rural idyll of Europica, a peaceful and merry race of faerie-folk were enslaved by cruel grime-trolls. Discovering that the only way the vile tempers of the grime-trolls could be lessened was through the healing power of song, the faerie folk set about writing the perfect song that would free them from their unutterably cruel suffering. That song was Waterloo, the faerie-folk were Abba and the grime-trolls were… oh, I don’t know… the Nazis or something.
So there’s this song contest right, where every country in Europe, including the stupid ones like Andorra and San Marino, enter a song and eventually one is chosen to be the best song via a series of telephone votes and so-on. Last year Serbia won with a boring ballad sung by a woman who pretty much everyone has to bite their tongue to keep from calling a fat, grumpy lesbian. Hence this year Belgrade hosted the contest, and since Belgrade is built on two massive rivers (the Danube, and the Other-One) the running theme was two rivers meeting. Unfortunately to tie into the Serbian national colours one of these rivers was always coloured red, which, come on – river of blood – is a little disconcerting. The hosts were a whole heap of nothing much, but the girl had dyed her hair some ungodly red that didn’t go with anything she wore.
And there were songs, here I will write about EVERY SINGLE ONE OF THEM:
1. Romania – Nico & Vlad - Pe-o Margine De Lume
Things start off slowly with a pretty dull ballad. Imagine my surprise when one of them (Nico? Vlad?) turned out to be a woman! Yes, my surprise wasn’t great. Worrying? The woman was old enough to be the guy’s mother. Disturbing undertones. An inauspicious opening.
2. United Kingdom – Andy Abraham – Even If
Andy Abraham and his happy, fat bassist, and his happy, happy band do their best for the UK. Better than I was expecting in an upbeat faux-soul-rock way, but not great. That bassist sure was happy though.
3. Albania – Olta Boka - Zemrën E Lamë Peng
This girl’s coat was a sartorial mullet, long at the back, and veeery short at the front to show off her belly shirt. Kinda skanky and classy at the same time – I felt very confused. The song was kind of a dirge, but at least she brought a wind machine.
4. Germany – No Angels – Disappear
Everything you feared Eurovision might be, Germany enters 8 legs, 4 hairstyles, 4 diaphanous pan’s-people-nightmare robes, and walks away the worst act of the night by far. Out of tune, straight off the shopping mall catwalk (or possibly straight out from behind the bar) and straight to hell buddy.
5. Armenia – Sirusho - Qele, Qele
Basically Armenia, Ukraine and Greece entered the same act – modern, Shakira-esque dance pop, where a cute girl in half a dress shook “it” while three ripped hunks danced their asses off. Seriously the quality of the male dancers this year was really something. I mean, the amount of leg Sirusho was showing distracted me some, but I was trying to pay attention to them.
6. Bosnia & Herzogovina – Laka – Pokušaj
My hands down winner of the night, this one wrapped a storming power chord romp in a washboard romance play with Brechtian stylings, backing singers dressed as brides and the word “Love” spelled out on a washing line. It was incredible, and like I said it was a good song too, I’m listening to it right now. Eurovision comes alive! I knew it would.
7. Israel – Boaz – The Fire In Your Eyes
He sings like a girl, but he looks like a man. Boaz had shoulders the size of your head, and a shiny silver waistcoat, but sadly not much of a ballad to go with it.
8. Finland – Teräsbetoni - Missä Miehet Ratsastaa
Two years ago Finland won with GWAR-lite. This year they entered Iron Maiden-lite, and that is nowhere near as much fun. My sister dug it, but I’ve gotta disagree. Bad metal Bunny, sorry.
9. Croatia - Kraljevi Ulice & 75 Cents – Romanca
I kinda liked this one, where a pretty Baltic melody was ranted over periodically by a dapper, but soused old man. The hideous euro-pop beat ruined it though, and the bit where the old geezer scratched the gramaphone was a little too much. Strange as it may seem, even in Eurovision less is sometimes more.
10. Poland – Isis Gee – For Life
As opposed to against life? Isis is tall and blonde and I’m almost certain she sang a song of some description. It left me speechless / bemused / incoherent / constipated / ambivalent (delete as appropriate).
11. Iceland – Euroband – This Is My Life
Oh, this was terrible, in a wonderful way. Big, bold, awful euro-dance fronted by a so, so, gay Icelandic lad with a huge forehead, and a refreshingly un-skinny Icelandic lass. Were they siblings? They certainly reminded me of the bad guys from High School Musical. Utter rubbish, but not offensively so like the German entry.
12. Turkey - Mor ve Ötesi – Deli
Turkey did surprisingly well with this alternative rock song. Yuki thought the singer was scary-looking and I thought it was all pretty boring, but at least it introduced me to the concept of an alternate reality Turkish version of The Cult, and Miniature Turkish Dave Navarro. Miniature Turkish Dave Navarro! He was adorable.
13. Portugal – Vânia Fernandes - Senhora Do Mar (Negras Águas)
A big lady in a sort of medieval-gothic dress wants to sing at you very loudly, are you going to stop her? No you are not, because if you do, you’ll have her variously sized backing goons to deal with. The backing singers really hypnotised me here, as they looked so much like a rejected super-team from an unmade 1980s Superman flick. Seriously, one of them can run fast, one of them has super-strength, one of them can turn invisible…
14. Latvia – Pirates of the Sea – Wolves of the Sea
God bless you Latvia – Pirates + cheesy euro-disco + a comedy tiny plastic sword + a breakdown where the leader did a terrible dance and shouted “Pirates!” at random = WIN! They even had a ship’s wheel on the deck… I mean stage. Genius.
15. Sweden – Charlotte Perelli – Hero
Really scary, I don’t want to think about her right now. Brrrrrrr.
16. Denmark - Simon Mathew – All Night Long
The Danish Robbie Williams takes us all down the alley for a right old cockney knees up. Sort of. It was a pretty good song, but a little too Maroon 5 for my palette.
17. Georgia - Diana Gurtskaya – Peace Will Come
Last year Georgia were my surprise favourites, and I wouldn’t be surprised to find that this years entry was by the same songwriters, since it’s composed on the same dramatic scale and laden with the same dense electronic production. That and the android Billy Idol dancers makes me think that Georgia is a hotbed of futurist thinking waiting to burst into life. The song wasn’t great, but it had a crazy deep voice in the chorus and an AMAZING quick change of wardrobe from black to white (I seriously don’t know how they did it). Also, it turns out the singer is actually blind, so all that stuff I was saying about her stupid glasses and the way she wasn’t moving around… I just… I feel terrible.
18. Ukraine – Ani Lorak – Shady Lady
That’s a kind of pathetic title. Anyway, here’s your next Eastern European Shakira, and probably the leggiest and most professional of the three. Her backing dancers were top drawer (again), her dress was the shortest, and the little “beep-beep” nodding dance they all did at the start was fabulous. It did well!
19. France - Sébastien Tellier – Divine
I had no idea this was Sébastien Tellier, but this was awesome. A sublimely dreamy 80s indie pop number where Tellier seemed to be channelling Jarvis Cocker and David Herman Dune while his backing singers all wore beards and shades to look like him. He arrived on a golf cart, sucked helium from a balloon (great idea, it didn’t quite work) and all in all was fantastic.
20. Azerbaijan – Elnur & Samir – Day After Day
This was Azerbaijan’s first ever entry to Eurovision, but I’m pretty sure they nailed the concept. A positively deranged rock opera where one of them played an Angel with white wings and white contacts, and the other a Devil on a twisted throne, hunched over, pouring goblets of blood over his writhing lovelies. I’m serious! The vocals were almost as crazy as the performance, leaping octaves in a single bound, switching to spoken word for the middle eight… Bravo Azerbaijan, bravo.
21. Greece – Kalomira – Secret Combination
The third and final flirtation with Shakira was (ssshhh… I didn’t say this) the cutest of the lot. The song was probably the best too, but perhaps they suffered a little from people getting them confused with the Armenia and Ukraine. All three did well in the final voting, but if perhaps there had been only one it would’ve mopped the floor with everyone.
22. Spain – Rodolfo Chikilicuatre - Baila El Chiki Chiki
The most nose-thumbing entry of the night. Spain clearly could not give a crap about Eurovision so they entered a guy in an Elvis wig with a tiny toy guitar, rapping badly about some dance he made up. Of course, that’s where Eurovision gold is mined, so this was brilliant. Probably the best thing was the comedy backing dancers, who each got a little slapstick moment of glory.
23. Serbia - Jelena Tomašević feat. Bora Dugic – Oro
Longest name, shortest song title, most boring song. Next
24. Russia - Dima Bilan – Believe
The Winner! And really, it was probably a fair result. The song wasn’t awful, the guy was cute and he ripped open his shirt to prove it, the violinist fiddled up a storm on his knees, and – the master stroke, they performed on a tiny ice rink while a world champion skate pirouetted around them. The skater thing was a con, he had nothing to do with the music and yet he spoke during the acceptance speeches, but still – it was a smart idea.
25. Norway – Maria – Hold On Be Strong
Norway closed things up a little anti-climactically with a perfectly nice tune for all the single ladies out there. In fact the echoes of Memphis soul that you could hear were pretty interesting, but they were never in the running.
And that, as they say, is that. Of course, were you watching it on TV, there’s still an hour and a half of the voting process to go through, which we sort of did, but here I’ll knock it on the head. Of course, you can never read too much about Eurovision, so I strongly recommend you read everything my sister has to say on the matter over here. She dug up the soft-porn photos of the winner too, so seriously, check that out. And yes, it does feel good to think that we’re the only siblings who have collectively written a doctorate’s worth of material on the Eurovision Song Contest, when we open our Institute of Musicorology it’ll all make sense.