Thursday, 8 October 2009

Choose Your Diet!

I've got my visa sorted so that I can actually return to Japan after I leave, I've got my ticket home printed, they've stepped up the gift-wrapping of my building so that they have now covered the windows with plastic in advance of painting it, and men are now moving up and down the scaffolding levels like some giant live-action Donkey Kong.

And you need to go on a diet.

You have to choose one of these current Japanese weight-loss supplements that I was perusing in the-drug-store-where-everyone-shouts-at-you today. You HAVE to. It's the law. Choose one then order it off some dodgy geezer on ebay and take it every day. Three times a day if you have to. DO IT!

Already widely blogged about in this internet, Jesus Body would seem to be the obvious choice. What is not so obvious is which bible-knocking joke to choose about it. "Yeah, Jesus was pretty ripped!" perhaps. Or: "Jesus suffered for our sins, but you don't have to suffer to lose those extra pounds." Or just: "Beats forty days and forty nights in the desert doesn't it?" Oh man, easy jokes. Lazy internet snow-shovelling.

But maybe you're feeling a little more... penitent? A little more... flagellant? Oh c'mon, we all want to whip ourselves with actual whips from time to time (if there isn't anyone around to do it for us). Now you can lash yourself (or MeLash) with Melash diet pills and achieve much the same result. I would imagine.

Finally, Greedy Yeast. This one I'm a little wary of, in that I imagine it releases some kind of rampaging Yeast-Beast into your insides and lets it feed on your excess fat, and unless you remove said beast at the desired weight it'll just keep eating you until you're a person-suit being worn by a sentient yeast creature.

Oh man, too much Silent Hill and too many ghost stories for me I think! Good night boys and ghouls!

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