Tuesday, 12 May 2009

Eurovision 2009 Prologue: Prepare for Eurovisionisation

It begins...

I didn't realise until this weekend that this week... is Eurovision week. I love the Eurovision Song Contest, and if, at this point you don't know what it is, I suggest you familiarise yourself with my treatise on the subject from last year, and prepare yourself for what is to come.

The Eurovision Song Contest, basically decides which is the greatest nation in Europe via the venerable medium of bad pop music. I mean, I love the whole process, and every artist involved, but it's still mostly bad. And at the end of two semi-finals and a final that have seen around 32 nations in total take part one nation is crowned "God-King of Europe" and all the other nations have to pay them a third of their GDP and every citizen gets a little gold plastic crown to wear whenever they visit another European country.

Or something like that. They get to host the competition next year anyway.

Last year, these boys took it back to Mother Russia.

Yeah, that dude on the right is an olympic figure skater, and contributed nothing to the song, but the gimmick probably helped them walk away with it. That and Shirtless Joe Abdominator in the middle there.

Anyway, for the last few years Eurovision has been decided by viewer votes from the participating countries, which meant that all the countries with historic connections and alliances voted for each other and that it was won every year by Eastern European countries. After last year's competition was pretty much declared a farce by the rest of Europe, this year the rules have changed slightly, with half the votes coming from the viewers, the other half from a panel of expert judges.

There's a semi final on Tuesday and a semi final on Thursday, with 10 countries coming from each to join the 6 or so automatic finalists (including the UK, mwah, thank you financial supremacy) in the final on Saturday. I'm kind of intending to watch the whole thing, semis and all, so I don't want to spoil it too much for myself, but I've got a couple of predictions.

This lady came up almost before the logo in the google image search for Eurovision 2009 goodies, so I'd say she'll probably figure large. Hadise is representing Turkey, but is already a TV presenter and recording artist in Belgium. Which is about par for the course when it comes to Eurovision. Notice how she's playing with the strands of her hair to make it look like her cleavage extends all the way to her neck? Oh wait, that would be quite freakish, that's probably not the intention.

Something for the boys, something for the girls. This fine figure of a man is Sakis Rouvas, representing Greece and is ripped to the point of having those incredible muscles that make it look like his legs attach like an action figure. The message here is "My penis is like a stick of dynamite - it gives girls orgasms" (joke appropriated from Jon Lajoie). Remember when Eminem and David LaChapelle did that? Is this homage or rip-off? How many good singles did Eminem have anyway?

I'm getting side-tracked. The important thing is what comes next - pure Eurovision joy.

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